Sand in the Face

The teeter totter works in such a way that for one side to be up, the other side must invariably be…down!

Pride has two masks. The first mask openly exalts itself by drawing attention to ones gifts, talents and attributes…and thereby trying to exalt self over others…

The other mask is more subtle…by degrading or humiliating others…a person can still exalt themselves. When the other person goes down a level…it leaves the person doing the degrading, feeling like they are on a new elevated plain.

How often did I manifest my pride by bullying other co-students? Trying to elevate myself by bringing them down? Cutting words, hurtful and demeaning actions…leaving the bullied crying and humiliated…and the Bully…feeling “full of himself”.

He who exalts himself will be humbled…as the ancient saying proclaims!

I can barely begin this note by saying “I can remember back to a time when…” because in all honesty I can remember the shell or husk of what happened…but not the fine tuned story…I can’t even honestly remember my allies in this story…but I do remember my tormenters.

Some friends and I were walking across a playground in my hometown.

It was late spring or early summer.

I can’t remember if we all had been drinking or not…but part of the reason why I struggle with memory facts is due to the one fact that I had been drinking…again…

Have you ever heard the saying about being in the wrong place at the wrong time…this is the story of many chapters of my life!

Walking across the playground towards us where two larger figures, males, grown men [in physical stature anyhow]…

Suddenly, the realization of who these men were dawned on my booze dulled brain…and the smile disappeared from my face and the laughter died in my throat…

In our school, one of the grade nine girls had a boy friend who was 17 or 18 years old…this guy had a side kick who was black and was a fairly large guy [at least in a grade eights’ eyes], and to add to his ominous stature he also carried around a big knife.

At 18 years of age, this man was much bigger and stronger than the rest of us 13 years old, even those of us who were bigger than the other grade eights…and he knew it!

This man was a Bully…and wanting to establish his “alpha dog” status he would intimidate, and put down, all up and coming challengers with verbal and if necessary physical force. He would pick out “lesser” Bullies who were trying to work their way up the junior high-school food chain…and remind them of their place!

I can remember many times skulking off in fear…trying not to catch the attention of this ominous duel…who seemed to have a very keen eye for spotting me…pursuing me…and bringing grief into my life.

Of course as someone who was wearing the “tough guy” mask…you couldn’t let other students sense your tremendous weakness…and the fear that was so strong that you could swear it oozed out of every pore in your body…

…so you would try to take your intimidation and verbal taunting with a stiff upper lip…and come unglued at home where no-one could see your fear!

…But now we weren’t on the school grounds…now there were no teacher’s around…

…now it was time for the lesser bully to pay the piper…

I honestly can’t remember much of what happened…I know there was taunting…the challenge was thrown down…to fight like a man…the verbal abuse was thrown fast and furious…trying to provoke me to fight…to be a man…to defend my dignity…

I did none of these things…I took the abuse from the Bullies, listened to their demeaning taunts…swallowed their mockery…felt my face burn with shame…as I knew my friends watched as I did nothing to retaliate…

Then I turned and began to walk away…to slink away…like the dog with his tail between his legs…

…without warning…the next thing I knew, my face was plowed into the dry, dusty ground…

The Bully ran and kicked me in the back as I walked away from him…and now all I could hear was their loud laughter…again my face burned with anger…and shame…but I was so scared…I dared not to fight back…I felt like such a coward!

I can’t remember how many times I got up…began to walk away…and was kicked in the back…plunging me face first onto the ground before me…

Finally the bullying ended…the tormenting laughter died in the distance behind me…as I walked home…defeated and humiliated…

As I walked home, a new goal began to take form in my brain…a goal to prevent this from happening to me again…at least from the guys who bullied me this night…

Often we make decisions when we are young that effect large segments of our lives when we are older…how we think…how we act…who we become…

God has put authority figures into each of our lives…our parents, teachers, police, the government…it is wise to make use of these authorities to protect ourselves from evil doers…

…when we side step these authorities because we are fearful of looking frightened and weak…then we allow evil doers to hurt and torment others after us…

…when we think we will solve our “bully” problems by taking things into our own hands, we become vigilantes’…we become the very evil that we thought we were going to fight against and overcome…

…that night I resolved in my heart to become bigger, stronger…meaner…

…I remembered reading an ad in the back of a comic book…about a guy working out…and beating up the bully who kicked sand in his face and embarrassed him in front of his friends…

I wanted to be that guy…not really understanding…who that guy would turn out to be.

Play with the Bully...and get the horns!

Have you ever picked up something...that at first seemed fairly valuable...but after a long time in your pocket, weighed heavy...proving to be more of a burden than a precious treasure?

Our repeated choices become habits and our ongoing habits [whether they be good or bad] build our characters...

As I write certain stories of my life...it may seem that I pick out the nasty ones...I don't do this to try and make myself appear more wicked then I was...I write these stories because they have stuck in my brain and have asked to be let out. I write them because, for good or bad, they set in motion choices, ideas, habits that influenced future events in my life. I write them as an older man...looking back on some of the events of his life...grateful for forgiveness and repeated second chances.

Have you ever mixed vinegar and baking soda together? If you have, you will know that the outcome is a violent chemical reaction...much fizzle and sizzle...

Somewhere along the line I picked up character traits that mirrored this chemical reaction in my life. There must have been something in my life that cried for attention...and I discovered at an early age that I got more attention being bad then if I quietly sat and behaved...

Being the class clown always drew much attention...good and bad. It drew the laughs of my peers [which I longed for...good attention...I thought]...and it drew the frown and discipline from my teachers [I didn't long for the punishments they dished out...but the attention was still acceptable].

I also found that I received a fair amount of attention by trying to put on the tough guy mask. I wore this mask for many years. It still asks to be tried on for size...even after 43 years. What I regret most about my tough guy mask isn't about the fights I have been in over the years [although I do regret the fights]...what I regret is the "Bully" that I was to many of the people I went to school with. I watch movies with "Bullies" in them to this day...with red-faced shame...thinking back to many of the jerk things I said and did to my classmates. Did I receive their attention?...yes! Did I receive attention from the teachers? Err...yeah...I received that too. I was in the school office so much that my schools had invented speed dial years before it actually hit the public market [joking of course].

I have come to understand after many years that not all attention is worthy of your attention. Some attention is best served when you are full, without the slightest appetite...so that you won't be tempted to even nibble at it. Attention drawn to yourself at the cost of another person's happiness or dignity should be avoided like the plague!

My apologies go out to my classmates throughout our years together...for any unkind, tormenting, or even cruel words and deeds I threw your way!

Did I understand what it was like to be on the brunt end of the Bully's horns?

I did indeed...you see...when you are in school...there are usually older bulls in the pen with you. I found throughout the years, there were times when I was given a taste of what the 'Bullied' felt like. Older, stronger and meaner Bullies giving me a bitter taste of my own medicine. Unfortunately, being bullied didn't wake me up to the reality of the misery that I was inflicting on others. We can often be very keen -eyed when it comes to spotting other peoples evils against us...and literally blind at our own offenses, being dished out in heaping proportions into other people's lives.

With the Lord's help I have relentless torn at the Bully mask upon my face...seeking to do others good...and not harm.

I still find a bit of the class clown in me...that mischievous voice that likes pulling pranks and jokes...I just try to tone it down...hoping that my pranks do not harm others...try and keep it in good fun.

I have one "Bully" story that effected my choices, habits and future greatly...it will be the story that I share next time...

Eighth Grade Troubles

I was thinking about a guy in my grade eight homeroom class this morning.

I awoke with him on my brain...a troubled dude indeed.

Everyday he would wander into class smelling of booze...drinking again...

At one of our school's dances he came totally hammered! When the teacher at the door wouldn't let him in he snuck around to the back door of the gymnasium...and pounded to get in. When doors finally opened, he crawled in on his hands and knees...only to bump into the legs of the teacher who had not let him in the front doors. At this time the boy shouted and screamed obscenities at the teacher...was kicked out again...and was suspended from school for a time...

Someone in our homeroom class put an A.A pamphlet in his desk...everyone hoped that he would go and get help for his problem...

As the years went on...his drinking continued...fighting continued...troubles escalated...

What ever happened to this troubled young man...well...I have to go shave his face...it has gotten much older now...

Many people may have given up on me...but Jesus didn't...He didn't look at me for who I was in my sinful problems...He looked at me for who I was going to be...He looked at me for the person His love would make me into...

So when I go to preach today...I always have a worthy message at hand...I have a message worthy of all acceptance...that Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners...of whom I am chief!