Sand in the Face

The teeter totter works in such a way that for one side to be up, the other side must invariably be…down!

Pride has two masks. The first mask openly exalts itself by drawing attention to ones gifts, talents and attributes…and thereby trying to exalt self over others…

The other mask is more subtle…by degrading or humiliating others…a person can still exalt themselves. When the other person goes down a level…it leaves the person doing the degrading, feeling like they are on a new elevated plain.

How often did I manifest my pride by bullying other co-students? Trying to elevate myself by bringing them down? Cutting words, hurtful and demeaning actions…leaving the bullied crying and humiliated…and the Bully…feeling “full of himself”.

He who exalts himself will be humbled…as the ancient saying proclaims!

I can barely begin this note by saying “I can remember back to a time when…” because in all honesty I can remember the shell or husk of what happened…but not the fine tuned story…I can’t even honestly remember my allies in this story…but I do remember my tormenters.

Some friends and I were walking across a playground in my hometown.

It was late spring or early summer.

I can’t remember if we all had been drinking or not…but part of the reason why I struggle with memory facts is due to the one fact that I had been drinking…again…

Have you ever heard the saying about being in the wrong place at the wrong time…this is the story of many chapters of my life!

Walking across the playground towards us where two larger figures, males, grown men [in physical stature anyhow]…

Suddenly, the realization of who these men were dawned on my booze dulled brain…and the smile disappeared from my face and the laughter died in my throat…

In our school, one of the grade nine girls had a boy friend who was 17 or 18 years old…this guy had a side kick who was black and was a fairly large guy [at least in a grade eights’ eyes], and to add to his ominous stature he also carried around a big knife.

At 18 years of age, this man was much bigger and stronger than the rest of us 13 years old, even those of us who were bigger than the other grade eights…and he knew it!

This man was a Bully…and wanting to establish his “alpha dog” status he would intimidate, and put down, all up and coming challengers with verbal and if necessary physical force. He would pick out “lesser” Bullies who were trying to work their way up the junior high-school food chain…and remind them of their place!

I can remember many times skulking off in fear…trying not to catch the attention of this ominous duel…who seemed to have a very keen eye for spotting me…pursuing me…and bringing grief into my life.

Of course as someone who was wearing the “tough guy” mask…you couldn’t let other students sense your tremendous weakness…and the fear that was so strong that you could swear it oozed out of every pore in your body…

…so you would try to take your intimidation and verbal taunting with a stiff upper lip…and come unglued at home where no-one could see your fear!

…But now we weren’t on the school grounds…now there were no teacher’s around…

…now it was time for the lesser bully to pay the piper…

I honestly can’t remember much of what happened…I know there was taunting…the challenge was thrown down…to fight like a man…the verbal abuse was thrown fast and furious…trying to provoke me to fight…to be a man…to defend my dignity…

I did none of these things…I took the abuse from the Bullies, listened to their demeaning taunts…swallowed their mockery…felt my face burn with shame…as I knew my friends watched as I did nothing to retaliate…

Then I turned and began to walk away…to slink away…like the dog with his tail between his legs…

…without warning…the next thing I knew, my face was plowed into the dry, dusty ground…

The Bully ran and kicked me in the back as I walked away from him…and now all I could hear was their loud laughter…again my face burned with anger…and shame…but I was so scared…I dared not to fight back…I felt like such a coward!

I can’t remember how many times I got up…began to walk away…and was kicked in the back…plunging me face first onto the ground before me…

Finally the bullying ended…the tormenting laughter died in the distance behind me…as I walked home…defeated and humiliated…

As I walked home, a new goal began to take form in my brain…a goal to prevent this from happening to me again…at least from the guys who bullied me this night…

Often we make decisions when we are young that effect large segments of our lives when we are older…how we think…how we act…who we become…

God has put authority figures into each of our lives…our parents, teachers, police, the government…it is wise to make use of these authorities to protect ourselves from evil doers…

…when we side step these authorities because we are fearful of looking frightened and weak…then we allow evil doers to hurt and torment others after us…

…when we think we will solve our “bully” problems by taking things into our own hands, we become vigilantes’…we become the very evil that we thought we were going to fight against and overcome…

…that night I resolved in my heart to become bigger, stronger…meaner…

…I remembered reading an ad in the back of a comic book…about a guy working out…and beating up the bully who kicked sand in his face and embarrassed him in front of his friends…

I wanted to be that guy…not really understanding…who that guy would turn out to be.