Is Your Marriage Really Over...really?
I do not want to under estimate the pain and suffering that can enter a couples lives when there is constant fighting and arguing in their marriage.
At times it can seem like the black pit is so deep that you can't even see a hint of sunlight anymore.
It is because of this immense suffering that many people begin to think about "throwing in the towel".
Sure they swore an oath before God, for NOT just the better times...but also the worse...till DEATH alone parts them.
Hey! But when they said those words the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the flowers were blooming...and a breeze, with the scent of a multitude of fresh flowers was gently blowing.
And now things are black and clouded, the birds are gone, the hurricane winds are howling...and the air...stinks.
In dark times, our thinking is often clouded...we look at our options and usually see only two.
1. Remain in this marriage, holding true to my oath before God and the other witnesses at the ceremony...and be totally miserable.
or
2. Break my oath, get out...and get happy again.
Unfortunately we live in a day and age where the people who want to choose option two...have many "friends" encouraging them to "get out".
There is option three. Your options aren't only stay and be miserable or get out and be happy.
Stats on divorce are frightening indeed. 50% of first marriages end in divorce...and then it gets worse...into the mid to high 60% for second marriages.
In other words...getting out isn't going to be your guarantee to happiness.
What is option 3? Stay in the marriage and work it out!
Work it out?! But we don't love each other any more!
One of our problems, in North American culture, is that we have fallen for the lie that "love" is primarily a feeling...and its NOT!
Love primarily is a commitment! When I love my wife, I am commited to do her good, all the days of her life.
We have mistaken the byproduct of love to be love itself.
When I love someone I want to be with them, say encouraging things to them, give gifts to them, serve them, touch them...do good to them.
When these things happen...I am investing in the person I love...the more I invest, the more valuable the person is to me...and the "feelings" of love are everywhere!
But often, in relationships...all this investing happens...at the beginning...and then one or both parties begins to take the other for granted...begins to live for self and self interests...stops investing in the other person...and guess what happens?
The feelings of love go away...because the actions of love have ceased.
A failing marriage can be renewed, feelings of love can be restored...it takes investment...it takes work.
If you are struggling with your marriage...rent the movie [BlockBusters] called "Fire Proof"...and get the book called "The Love Dare"...it may help breathe some life into your marriage.
Don't quit...invest...commit...thats what love does.
posted by Dale Callahan at 5:52 AM
3 Comments:
You said,
"When these things happen...I am investing in the person I love...the more I invest, the more valuable the person is to me...and the "feelings" of love are everywhere!"
I couldn't agree more! D. and I just celebrated our 21st year together (dated 4 years before marriage) and I recall our friends saying to us, "It's so *easy* for you two though, you're so in love." I recall being horrified when the pastor at the church [prior to our wedding] told us he recommends the 'how to build an affair proof marriage' book to every couple prior to his marrying them. We read it, and realized that this was the very same concept that D. and I were already applying in our daily lives - we were *investing* ourselves into the relationship, knowing that there would be give and take, and that there had to be effort on both our parts to make our relationship work out o.k., and unlike a few of our friends, who were at that young age already complaining about their boyfriends/spouses, I realized that it helped that D. and I were both on the same page and the same level of commitment to each other. Though we loved each other already, we both knew that it would take work on a steady basis to keep up such a strong commitment, and we always worked at it and enjoyed that aspect as well. You are so right, what once starts out sort of a hormonal surge of a great rush of a feeling of love, can change to a love that is is very much a commitment to each other, but is still very much strong, and true, and that 'surge' can keep on going if both people in the relationship work on it. My Dad has performed quite a few marriages in the past years where he is surprised that they have thrown it away so quickly, without working on it. It's a shame in many ways, this disposable world that we live in. With that being said, it's very lucky for myself, (and for your wife too I imagine), that we found someone who was willing and able to commit to us 100%! Funny how God works in such mysterious and wonderful ways. Had I not found D. when I did, I don't know what would have happened in my life. He came along at just the right time.
Interesting posts as always, you must just think up a whirlwind of thoughts on your daily postal route! Good stuff!! :)
E.
Thanks for the great comment E...
Thank the Lord for His love...that He shows us what true love and committment is...God teaches us how to love the unlovely.
If you haven't checked out Fireproof...watch it...it will affirm you in the things you already know and practice...
God bless
Oh my - you mean I'm unlovely(Gasp!) JK'ing with you, Dale. ;) I think I will check out 'Fireproof' sometime from BBV, it sounds like an excellent movie, (I viewed the plot summary it out on IMBD.)
Thanks!! :)
E.
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